President Trump has announced that he has a special occasion planned to celebrate America’s 250th anniversary – he is going to pardon some of the most heinous criminals throughout history. White house spiritual advisor Paula White-Cain states that pardoning individuals that were tried and convicted of heinous crimes is carrying out the will of the lord, forgiving those that are undeserving of their sins with the power of the state.

Though we don’t have a list of all 250 recipients, President Trump has teased some of his selections “Well I shouldn’t really say. The fake news will twist this . Some of the pardons I’m looking at are going to be the best and biggest. The first is going to be Bill Cosby. You know Bill, America’s dad they called him. Next up we’ve got Blackbeard. What a tough name they don’t make guys like that anymore. Blackbeard you love to hear it. You know I could cure cancer and the left has TDS so they’ll tell you it’s a bad thing. Unbelievable.”

Our reporters tried to ask the president if he would consider pardoning our own writer Friedbert Silvester on his 47 counts of negligent homicide in regards to his mid flight abandonment of an aircraft. The president grinned and said “We’ll just have to see won’t we.”