DAVENPORT – Goose-B-Gone announced today that their low earth orbit satellite dubbed the “HONKSTRIKE Orbital Defense Platform.”

“It really is quite humane, and causes no harm to these beautiful and federally protected creatures.” says Dan Miller, Head of Eradication at Goose-B-Gone. “We’ve undergone testing of this product and have received certifications from every notable animal hippie group.”

HONKSTRIKE performed its first live action strike earlier this evening, with hundreds in attendance. Tragedy struck when the strike was too large and evaporated 457 onlookers, and severely injuring or maiming 1,365 more, being the largest mass casualty event in Florida history. Our reporter on scene has permanently lost their vision and sense of smell.

“We went into this first live test knowing we had some fine tuning to do,” Miller told press in a conference following the incident. “The official stance of Goose-B-Gone is that every one of those in attendance signed a waiver that they would be on a live fire range.”